By Arcadia Ilagan & Elliot Dimasuhid
"I can take the chocolate, just not the romantic stuff."
Izzi* is not against the fact that the people around her are into the lovey-dovey and mushy feelings society indulges themselves in during Valentine's Day. Still, the celebration feels overrated for her because of how overdone it has become over the years. But what if cultivating romantic interests is not innately a person's nature?
Aromanticism, a term developed in the mid-2000s, is a romantic orientation that exhibits little to no romantic attraction to others. An aromantic is drawn to long-lasting friendships and connections that transcend romantic ideals. With this, Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week generally occurs the first week following Valentine's Day, February 17-23, with the primary goal of informing people about aromanticism and its history, spectrum, and issues.
Drawing the line between Aromanticism and Asexuality
Aromanticism and asexuality have occasionally been mistakenly linked. This stems from the fact that the term "aromantic" was initially used in asexual places, such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), and was still regarded as synonymous with asexuality to some extent until 2004. The word "aromanticism" eventually became common as people began to discuss their lack of romantic desire.
Although asexuality and aromanticism can coexist, they are separate concepts. Aromanticism is characterized by a lack of romantic attraction, whereas asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. The LGBTQ Center at the University of North Carolina states that romantic interest is primarily concerned with an emotional connection with a person and is not exclusively sexual. In contrast, sexual attraction entails the desire for a sexual relationship or sexual contact with someone. Taking into account the distinctions, an aromantic person can have sexual drives without romantic interests, while an asexual person can have romantic interests without having sexual wants.
Sully*, who identifies as asexual, argues that regardless of the differences between aromanticism and asexuality, "both undermine the notion that sex and love should be the focal point of our lives."
Beyond romance in the season of love
As much as Izzi does not want to come off as a party pooper this season of love, being aromantic-asexual on Valentine's Day is never really as exciting unless you are someone who was actually into the whole relationship thing. The seemingly never-ending pressure of dating culture and getting into relationships can be an overwhelming experience for individuals who do not feel comfortable with all the aspects of the celebration.
"I used to think that Valentine's Day was nice because everyone got chocolate, there were always a lot of flowers around, and there was always some Valentine's related stuff on TV or malls, but I don't really feel anything toward it. I just saw it as any other day," Izzi explained how predictable individuals make the day out to be, giving off the impression that every romantic gesture is cheesy and unrealistic.
"Celebrate romance all you want but don't make it seem like romantic love is what everyone should strive for, that it's the pinnacle of human happiness," Dale*, an art student, asserts how amatonormativity—a concept that people are socialized to think that finding a partner is a worthwhile objective for everyone to pursue—is being perpetuated. They further explained how it "creates a false hierarchy of relationships, placing romantic relationships over all other types" and "treats friendship as frivolous and childlike and romance as serious and mature."
Valentine's Day has always been identified as a time to celebrate love but is usually limited to sexual and romantic relationships. Platonic love and self-love rarely fall under the Valentine's Day criteria. So for Izzi and Dale, Valentine's is just a reminder of the standards society has formed on love—that one can only feel true contentment in this through sexual and romantic intimacy.
Izzi was not always so cynical about the idea of forming intimate connections. As a child, she too fantasized about what having a family of her own could be like. "As a kid, I used to think that maybe it could be a possibility, but now not anymore," she said. "Junior High was when I noticed my batchmates were already getting into relationships. It was disgusting."
Although Izzi understood that it is only human nature to want to find a partner and engage in the same romantic relationships everyone else is experiencing, the need never really appealed to her. "I think about love, but I always end up feeling uncomfortable because it would mean having to open up more about yourself, like your personal boundaries, because of how much trust and effort you have to put into a person, and honestly, for me, putting attraction aside, I don't feel like I have the courage to get into a relationship."
Even before Izzi came to terms with the fact that she identified as asexual and aromantic, she never truly grasped the big deal behind finding a partner. As she got older, she felt that the romance and sexual relationship imperative was inescapable.
Valentine's Day stands on the foundation that romance and sexual desire must always come hand in hand. It leads individuals to believe that being single automatically equates to loneliness and that you must find your perfect match as soon as possible to experience true completion. Frequently, the doom of eternal incompleteness that individuals who are not looking for romance start to resonate within themselves.
Individuals are often bombarded with notions such as "You just haven't found the one," not realizing how demeaning this statement can be. Today's generation has come to terms with the reality that there are individuals who are more open to the idea of sexual activities than others; it should not be a surprise that people exist on the other side of that reality.
Understanding diversity
It can be pretty challenging to be on the same page as those open to romance as an asexual or aromantic individual. Izzi has found that communication is the key to breaking down the walls of misconception. Publicly opening up about one's sexuality can be difficult; however, it, in its own way, helps out a larger community of individuals understand themselves a little further as well.
"I don't really think you need a partner to spend Valentine's Day with," Izzi explained. She eventually realized that not being romantically involved with anybody does not necessarily mean it is over for you. "One aromantic to another, I don't think it is necessary for a partner to complete yourself. You don't need another person to have a happy Valentine's Day."
Romantic love and behaviors do not come in a singular form. More often than not, physical, romantic intimacy is not for everyone and is not a requirement for experiencing love. Aromanticism or asexuality is in no shape, or form celibacy, given that anybody can choose to be with someone in that aspect or not. The expectations created around the thought of falling in love should not hinder anybody from finding security in their relationship with themselves.
Izzi is perfectly content with the platonic relationships she has formed today and sees a greater value in self-love. She may not be as lovesick as her peers, but she believes one should celebrate Valentine's Day the way one wants rather than conforming to social norms.
"I'm spending Valentine's eating chocolate. That's how I am going to spend it," she added.
"Sexual and romantic orientations change as time goes on. The limited range of culturally acceptable possibilities no longer constrains preferences," Sully emphasized. Thus, Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week is a gentle reminder to enjoy love in all its forms. The aromantic community also experiences the depth and weight that love provides, but they do it in ways that go beyond what is expected of them regarding sexuality. The moment has come for them to be wholly acknowledged for their rights to self-determination against the oppressive cisgender and cisheteronormative norms, as they are no less than anybody else.
*Names in asterisks are pseudonyms.
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